Walking backwards home to you
by eden alice
Summary: 'She clenched her fists willing herself to stay strong as she turned to leave.' Jac struggles to keep a promise to Zosia
_So I've barely written anything for a few years and its been even longer since I've put anything out in this fandom but I just couldn't help myself. I'm rusty as anything and super excited to see that so much fic has been written while I've been away. This is short but I'm trying to be disciplined enough to write something longer featuring these two. Please don't hesitate to leave your thoughts, they are much appreciated! (reposted as this somehow got deleted? not sure how I did that)_

Walking backwards home to you

Jac rises before the sun, a ghost woman leeched by the pre-dawn gloom. She gathers all the items of clothing she can find within the shadows and retreats to the bathroom. She's ready to leave even though she can't find her bra when she catches Zosia dimly reflected in a mirror she'd never really noticed before. The dark haired woman fills half the bed as if the memory of their nights together have trained her to keep space free for the consultant.

They had fucked; there really was not another word for it, on numerous occasions since the night they celebrated the first successful surgery with the stent project. Those encounters took place in what she considered moments of weakness for her and strength for Zosia. A few times in the hospital, and eventually, they ended up pressed against one another in the younger woman's flat.

She thinks about when this woman became more than just another junior doctor, how they could share so much physically and yet be so far apart. Sometimes she thinks that Zosia liked vulnerability and when they are alone she had welcomed a chance to be weak for once. But Zosia had barely broken up with Oliver and she was complicated and cold and realistic enough to see that once the thrill of a fling with the boss was over the dark haired woman would be right back in his arms. And yet again she would be alone with the regret of destroying more peoples lives.

It was all just too messy.

In the darkness Zosia sighs and shifts reaching for the redhead in her sleep.

Jac pulls her leather jacket tighter around herself, ashamed of having broken her promise already.

* * *

Jac did not recall falling asleep on the sofa, glad that the other woman's roommates where away for the night. She woke up a little past midnight, the cluttered lines of the room sharper in the gloom; the blanket covering her was soft and heavy. There was the first twinges of a headache sharp against her temples that spoke of a long day and too much wine. She shrugged the blanket off and put on her shoes. Street lights spilled a golden light into the darkness drawing her towards the bedroom door even as her mind told her to leave. She had already stayed longer than she had intended.

She clenched her fists willing herself to stay strong as she turned to leave.

She walked smack into Zosia.

"I went for a walk, couldn't sleep." She explained.

The younger woman wore jeans and chunky boots that gave her an advantage in height. Her hair was lose and curling slightly, damp against the heavy knit of her jumper. Jac slipped her arms around her waist and pressed her forehead into the solid comfort of Zosia's shoulder. Her skin was chilled from spending too long outside. Jac slipped her hands under the other woman's clothes lightly pulling her nails down her sides. Using her nose to nudge waves of dark hair away from an elegant neck to feel Zosia swallow against her lips and squirm to press their bodies closer together.

She reaches for button of Zosia's jeans but she finds her wrists being restrained.

"I can't do this anymore, Jac." Her voice is heavy with resignation.

Jac bit her lip and looked away, her cheeks hot but her face blank. "I understand."

"You think you're stronger if you stay distant," Zosia whispered bravely. "You make people need you and then you walk away when you need them back."

She froze. A reckoning had been hanging in the air for days and she wanted to respond carefully. Zosia looked uncertain, shy even, but so open and earnest and painfully right that her heart jumped painfully in her chest.

"Not anymore," Jac said firmly, taking her hand. They both believed her.

Zosia kisses her hard, their teeth clashing without fineness and then leads the other woman to her bed.

Lightning forks outside, thunder rolling loud and deep. Zosia teased Jac's pale breasts with her tongue while Jac threads her fingers through the other woman's thick hair. She pushes into the the redhead deliberately, unhurried. Jac did not plead or demand with her to go faster. She let herself go as the rain and the wind lashed against the windows, nearly drowning out the sound of Zosia's name on her lips.

She pulls the younger woman's mouth down to hers, savouring her weight as her fingers moved within her. Zosia's free hand trailing up from her waist and stroked her partners neck. Jac held her gaze instead of closing her eyes and tossing her head back.

"Jac," She gasped.

Jac touched Zosia's cheek, traced the delicate lines of her features with a fingertip with a precision she usually saved for surgery. Her hands skimmed over the other woman's body, leaning her all over again. She lets herself be told she's beautiful.

She let Zosia make love to her.

* * *

She picks up her bag, the scraping branches outside muffling her footsteps on the creaky floor. She pads out of the bathroom before putting on her shoes. She makes it to the front door and stops, staring out into the night.

She had told Zosia that she loved her, that in the safety of the other woman's arms she had found the courage to admit something she barely let herself comprehend. And now left alone with her own thoughts she felt naïve and unsafe. Could the truth be enough? Wiser now she knows that being open and honest is much more powerful than three little words. In this moment she understands that it takes great strength to live for someone, particularly when you don't always know how.

She returned to the bedroom and watched for a second as Zosia dreamed quietly. Medical titles and cold eyes were flimsy armour against her trust. She climbs back into bed.

Zosia wakes and kisses her drowsily, musing her sleek hair. Jac curls against her, her arms shutting out the roar of the storm.


End file.
